Tuesday, October 8, 2019

Beware the Fairy

An Unintentional Obituary Of The New Catholic Church

"Thanks for this. Really. and, and the belt. Really. and this picture.... it's definitely not cheesy. Classy more like! What a delightful surprise this is."


An Ode To A 'Once-Thriving Community'

Does this hat make me look like an apostate?!


The Hubris of the Fairy-Clerics

"Oh?! I love it! Wait, you must explain it! I wuz a bit distracted by your nipples."

On the very day the pagan spectacle known as the Amazon Synod begins, this unintentional obituary appears in a church bulletin, composed by a quite confused Novus Ordo pastor. He's all in with the New Church, but he seems to sense, deep down, that the New Church is going over the cliff. He has no idea how this letter reads. Our Dear Lord sure has His way of teaching us. 

Without further ado…….. Here you go:
(don’t forget to read it with a lisp)

Dear Parishioners,

“This past weekend I spent a good bit of time celebrating the gifts to us from the past. On Saturday I went to St. 'Blank' Church in (a nearby town) to con-celebrate a Mass with the Bishop, Fr. Novus & Fr. Ordo. It was to mark the 175th anniversary of the founding of the parish. That makes this church one of the oldest parishes in our diocese.”

Sir Thomas’ translation #1 It's a beautiful parish church in a small town, which at one time, had a thriving  Catholic school, including a convent that housed sisters to teach young Catholics & multiple priests to administer the Sacraments. It is now a stagnant parish, a 'dead church walking' – all lost to the New Church. This, in a Diocese that claims 80,000 'Catholics' & only managed to ordain one priest this year.  

Most holy young men have come to the sad realization that the priesthood is culturally perceived as a 'homo-occupation.'  As I recently read somewhere, “If God doesn't do something to us soon, He's going to have to apologize to Sodom & Gomorrah!” Not to worry. Once we get some of those new witch doctor, shaman & women priests after the Synod, we'll be right back in business. 


“Before the Mass started, I took a quiet stroll through the cemetery. I have a favorite spot there. In one of my first visits to (this parish) when I was first assigned to (a neighboring parish), I discovered the graves of four nuns buried very near the convent. These four graves have been a source of inspiration to me in my mission to (this community). The nuns buried here are Sisters of Loretto who range in age from 24 to 55.”

Sir Thomas’ translation #2“Through the cemetery?” Does it get any deader than that? Setting aside  the odd admission that he has a 'favorite spot there,' does he realize the metaphoric implications? The Sisters of Loretto, were a wonderful God-fearing teaching order. Fr. Dude, it's not just these four sisters in their final resting place that WE have lost. Except for an elderly, 'pant-suited' remnant, we have lost ALL of these good, holy sisters. There are no replacements coming. It's dead.  

"I'm so glad they are feathers! From over there I thought they were bananas! Ha!
Can you imagine!? Bananas!? Now that'd be real strange!"

"Now Sister, I am trying to be charitable. I have blessed you several times, and have asked you to leave me alone.....Please stop following me!

“The grave stones have been recently cleaned so they are much easier to read. These women died between 1867 and 1892. These graves are both a reminder of how hard life must have been in those mid to late years of the 19th century, and also a tribute to the dedication and faith of these religious women. They truly left everything to bring the Catholic Faith to the people of (this community). The celebration of 175 years is a celebration of the faith of all those who have gone before

Sir Thomas’ translation #3 –  “Those who have gone before us?” Isn't he tacitly admitting: it is over? He's lamenting this quaint, old-fashioned (yes, even traditional) ideal that these beautiful, intelligent, young women would believe in their Spouse, Christ The King. AND, that they would truly leave everything & do anything they could to please Him – to teach his children, to pray, to suffer, to build His Kingdom. 

Will the Am-Syn have a session on attracting these kind of women?  Of course -- right after 'Cosmic RainForest Tree Frogs Help You See God” & “Cannibalism Will Change Your Life.”  

Damn Hippies. Do they ever give it a break?

That's it. Just last week I wanted to go out in a diaper and my wife said "you'll look ridiculous....." I'll show her. Tomorrow, I shop for diapers.

(Then) “On Sunday I celebrated Mass at (another nearby old church). This parish was founded from (the 175-year-old church) in the 1860s. The beautiful wooden church is the only building remaining of a once thriving Catholic community.”

Sir Thomas’ translation #4 –  Now, there's an encouraging endorsement for you: 'a once thriving Catholic community.' Sadly, this church hosts just one Mass (a Novus Ordo) EACH YEAR. From all appearances. it's for the Church's nostalgia contingency; whoever the hell they are. 

Here's what happens. Once a year, nostalgia-Catholics come out of the woodwork to assist at this one & only Catholic Mass to mourn the church building itself! It has morphed into a relic of a 'once thriving Catholic community' --  weirdly venerated in this ritual. Following Mass, they actually have a meal in the back of the nave – picnic tables, I think. Tradition, it's not. Obituary it is.    

For these folks, it's akin to an archaeological dig. “Wooo! These primitive Catholics had such an ornate Altar. And, look at this, they had a Communion rail in this old church way back then. I've even heard that these Catholics actually knelt for Communion back then. Wow!” 

Their annual 'field trip' is a visit to a museum; a museum to the Catholic Faith that once flourished, but now exists only as a remnant in today's modern Church. It's a tactile experience. It's fascinating to 'touch' the old Faith, but who the hell wants to live it? We have evolved way beyond that quaint, almost silly, Sisters of Loretto' model. That whole narrative of giving up everything for Our Lord & King, it's downright medieval. What a fairy tale! “Of course, God is  part of MY life, but let's not get all Council of Trent-crazy about it!”  

Granted, many of these Modernist priests do seem to know a thing or two about 'fairies' & fairy tales. Some of them actually 'live it' everyday. Regrettably, in this case, the whole damn Diocese is 'a once thriving Catholic community!' Also regrettably, the New Church has become the real "fairy" tale. 

(Be Prepared: You may have to read this last bit of confusion a couple of times. This poor cleric didn't know how to end this obit on a positive note)

 “All of this just goes to show that we are not so much celebrating what was there before, as we are celebrating that because of what was once there we have our Catholic Faith in the present. We are celebrating the stewardship of the Faith. Those who have gone before us lived the Faith and passed it on to us and we want to live the Faith so we can pass it on to those who come after us.” 

Sir Thomas’ final noteOkay, got it! That's a relief. For a minute there, I thought we might be trying to create a whole new man-centered religion. Not to worry, we'll all be able to understand it better after the Amazon Synod. 

" Uuuhh. Your lip thingy? It's like rubbing my ear. It's feels a bit weird. In fact, if I'm honest,  this embrace was a poor choice altogether."

"Let's go gang! Don't forget your maracas, savvy hipster political posters and fishing nets!"

This is where the Europeans taught the aboriginals that greed is best, the chicken dance is really a lot of fun, and twister should only be played among good friends with decent hygiene.
God bless you,

Sir Thomas Howard ;)

                              Sisters of Loretto, ora pro nobis!